I was born in the boring town of [redacted] at the age of 27. On my onety-oneth birthday I was sent into the caverns of my home street without even a magic sword of dragon-slaying to my name. Upon the arrival in the cavern of the place I was sent, I was tasked with getting in the van by an elder mage with candy. Unfortunately for him, he lost some candy that day.
"I awoke from my slumber in the catacombs with the elder mage dead at my feet," is what it says on the police report that was filed when they brought me in for charges of murder and assault with a deadly weapon. Unfortunately for the judicial system of [redacted], the power of freundship can not be overcome by the law, a secret long forgotten that I learned from animu, and I knew enough people in the police force to not get the imprisonment. Officer Dan was a nice fellow who served in the war many moons ago. I met Dan after he had been supposedly been slain by some upstart mercenary after his captain had tried to bring the upstart into their mercenary group. Many years later I saved him again as some loony tore across the countryside killing the demons that had invaded our land before eventually getting stuck on a boat for thirty years. It was because of these adventures that I did not get the "dropping" enchantment on my soap that fateful day.
Now that I knew I could get away with murder, I set out to brainwash the people of the internet by masquerading as a Bethesda enthusiast on the internet so that I might one day take over za-warudo. Like Pinky and the Brain, but instead it will be, I Dio!